Graduate Program Conclusion

  Another Kagerou Day is approaching. I have also just started working, so it is time to write a conclusion to my master’s years. Memories always fade with time, and I think I should set aside some uninterrupted time to record what I have seen, thought, and felt.

About Myself

  If I had to describe myself, I would say I am somewhat like Ena from Project SEKAI: fortunate enough to have a little talent and glimpse the hall where geniuses gather, but not enough to enter it. My family was strict when I was young. I went from an elite class at a key middle school to another at a provincial key high school, and everything went unusually smoothly. By high school, however, I could no longer stand the control at home. I secretly bought a phone and began playing games almost in retaliation: Honkai Impact 3rd, Honor of Kings, FGO, and many more. I successfully dropped into an ordinary class, spent two years playing and one year studying, and then underperformed in the college entrance examination. In the end, my score was only enough for an unpopular major at a Double First-Class university.

  That was a major blow. I had believed I was exceptionally gifted and could handle the examination with only a little effort, so I could not accept the result. I went to repeat my final year at a school in a nearby county. The night before leaving, I posted one final message from my phone and threw it out of the window.

  The school was a partner training school housed in the old residential building on the right side of the picture. We ran morning exercises at 6:30 and finished evening self-study at 10:30. The teachers believed in education through punishment, and verbal or physical discipline was an everyday occurrence for everyone. During the half-hour dinner break, I liked looking through the wire fence at the neighborhood below: streetlights coming on one by one, the sounds of cooking drifting from apartments, and children playing in the alleys. Perhaps that ordinary bustle was what made life feel real.

  When I entered the examination hall for the second time, the pressure left me unable to sleep or eat. Yet because I could not accept another failure, I kept myself awake by pinching my arms: white marks on the first day, blood on the second. When I walked out of the examination hall, I felt as if I were floating. It took a week before I gradually recovered. The result was not ideal, but it was enough to study computer science at a lower-ranked Project 985 university, which led to my later Undergraduate Program Conclusion.

  Looking back, the direction I have followed came from indie games rich in personal expression. I wanted to create worlds and tell stories through games like Journey and Undertale. The force that kept me moving, however, was simply that I did not want to disappoint my younger self. I repeated that school year because I wanted more choices, a broader world to see, and all kinds of interesting people to meet.

About Studying Abroad

  Utrecht University’s Game and Media Technology program is one of the few master’s programs in Europe dedicated to game technology. To me, studying abroad is partly about living abroad and partly about studying. Commuting only between school and an apartment and caring about nothing beyond coursework has never been my style. In fact, I often skipped class. Instead, I collaborated with local university students to make a board game for a European youth organization, worked with vocational students on an interactive exhibition for the Dutch Railway Museum, and skipped an entire week of classes to travel through the Nordic countries and the Arctic.

  Many moments from those journeys remain with me. At a hostel in Norway, I met a young traveler who said goodbye with, “We will probably never meet again, but I am glad I met you and learned about your game.” In Longyearbyen, a town within the Arctic Circle that knows only polar day and polar night, I was moved by the sincerity of its residents and by a notice that read, “Please respect the wildlife, nature and each other.”

  There is something interesting and meaningful about visiting different places and encountering different people, values, and ways of life. Perhaps it is like the saying: a life is only an arrow briefly crossing the sky, yet the countless journeys people make toward their destinations come together into a magnificent sight. There is no single template for life. Some people pursue a career; others enjoy an ordinary existence.

About Internships

  I originally planned to remain in Europe. It would not have been especially difficult, but I would first have needed to learn Dutch, and the local game industry is neither large nor particularly friendly to new graduates. Since living abroad was expensive, I completed my credits in the first year and returned to China in the second to intern and help cover my family’s expenses. During that year, I worked as a technical artist at XD Inc. and then explored AIGC at ByteDance’s Nuverse. In a sense, I expanded my experience from game programming into full-stack game development. I also attended BilibiliWorld, Bilibili Macro Link, and Kano’s first concert in six years.

About Work

  Perhaps persistence really does bring an answer. I had always said that I wanted an opportunity at an international company, and one eventually arrived: an engine role at EA. The pay is certainly lower than what major domestic companies offer, but as long as I have enough free time, I can keep working on my own plans.

  As for miHoYo, which I had long hoped to join—even though Zenless Zone Zero reached out this time, I genuinely did not dare accept—I have finally made peace with it after applying from my undergraduate years until now. Back then, I still viewed the company through a filter and thought I would even accept heavy overtime if it were miHoYo. Today, I value work-life balance more.

  I would not take pride merely in being “an employee of a particular company or project.” What I have always wanted is to become “the creator of a particular work.” That would be something only I could accomplish and an honor that truly belonged to me.

About What Comes Next

  I still do not know. Once I joined the company and had much more free time, I immediately started planning my own indie game. After several weeks of experimentation, however, I realized that my current technical ability was nowhere near enough to realize what I had imagined.

  I want to build an isometric 3D game set after the end of the world, portray several conflicted yet vivid protagonists, and depict a partnership in which everyone hides something while cooperation is still sustained by trust. Doing all of that alone is simply too ambitious. Perhaps I can join more game jams, find teammates, and try to restart the project later.

  For now, I will improve my English, practice guitar, learn digital painting, and prepare myself for whatever possibilities come next. Game development is a long process of accumulation. Something beyond my reach today may not remain beyond my reach forever. I will preserve that possibility, wait, and keep hoping.